The Human Bean and Multiple Pangs

A person shouldn't get so stressed about a can of green beans.

When asked what I could bring to a covered dish dinner on Sunday, I impulsively answered, "green beans."

I was thinking that I could dump the two cans in a casserole dish, microwave, then wait for the compliments to pour in.

It was nothing. Really.

Now these aren't any two cans of green beans. They are GLORY Seasoned Country Style beans. They taste as good as my mom's green beans which sit simmering on the stove for hours.

You see, I was born without the Southern mushy vegetable cooking gene.

If you want your vegetables steamed, lightly seasoned and crisp to the taste, I'm your woman.

But if you want your veggies so mooooshy you can eat them through a straw, forget about it.

And if the recipe calls for ham hocks or anything like that, it's the part of the meat that I probably threw away before I served it.

An infamous family story has to do with the time my grandmother frantically dug through the trash to find a Thanksgiving turkey carcass, after she discovered we'd thrown in away.

The day I promised green beans for the covered dish, I had just served the last can of GLORY beans in the pantry. No problem getting more.

The trouble was, I couldn't remember where I bought them.

Time to go shopping.

3:36pm Publix: Not there. I didn't even browse the aisles. I was on a mission.

3:50pm Dollar Tree: So much for the mission. I didn't really expect to find the green beans there, but wanted to see if any new books had arrived. I considered purchasing one and starting a regular review of books I find at the dollar store. I would read just $1 worth of pages, based on the original retail price, then post a review. I realized just thinking about that slowed me down and so put the books down and left.

3:55 pm Wal Mart: Lots of GLORY collard greens to be found, but not my beans. Collards were going to be the backup plan. Or maybe a green bean casserole. I was good at casseroles.

4:10pm Michaels: Sorry. A 40% coupon was expiring today and I needed to stop and buy some palette paper.

4:20pm Target: Not a single can of GLORY vegetables was on the vegetable aisle. Yankees!

4:3pm Kroger: Lot of GLORY, but the closest thing I found was string beans with potato pieces. Then I looked down on the bottom shelf and shoved back in the corner, were about half a dozen cans of my green beans.

Cue the heavenly music.

Then I looked closer. These were string beans. I've always called them green beans. Have they always been string beans and I never noticed?

I looked around for more GLORY vegetables. The cans that caught my eye first were blackeye peas. Blackeye? That's not what I called them either.

I looked at other cans for confirmation. Blackeyed. Blackeyed. Blackeyed.

All Blackeyed Peas.

Then I looked at the label, already knowing what I would find.

GLORY FOODS, INC. has a Columbus, Ohio address.

Carpetbaggers!

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I don't have anything against Yankees, mind you, after all I married one.

And few people in Georgia actually know West Virginia fought on the side of the Union, so I don't get any grief about it.

My husband would say his favorite vegetable is "salad," so I was a little surprised at how delighted he was with the selection of sides on Mary Mac's menu.

Squash casserole. Sweet potato souffle. Fried okra. Yum.

Mary Mac's Tea Room opened in Midtown Atlanta in 1945 and serves Southern-style cooking that Paula Deen herself might endorse. In other words, it has lots of grease and tons of butter.

They even have the nerve to call the leftover juice of turnip greens "soup." Mary Mac's doesn't charge you for the "Pot Likker with cracklin' bread" the first time you visit. Like me, my husband won't turn down much that is free, so he ordered it.

The waitress suggested my husband crumble the piece cornbread into the juice and add some hot sauce. He wanted the bread but not the sauce. He offered me a spoonful and it was delicious. My husband concurred.

He won't eat either of those foods if I serve them at home.

Hmmmmn.

He also raved about the selection of thirty-seven side dishes and was worried that he couldn't narrow it to just two.

Double hmmmn.

Who is this Mary Mac and why am I feeling a pang of jealousy?

Or is that just a hunger pang?

I told him that I would give him one of the four vegetables from my vegetable plate, so what would he like to try?

He wanted the salad.

I'd feel better now if not for one thing.

My husband will be home from work in an hour and instead of cooking a meal I've been writing this blog.

But I did get him something Southern and something I know he likes.

A takeout meal from ChickfilA.

Was that a hunger pang? Or a pang of guilt?